My name is Lisa and I have struggled with MDD/GAD for as long as I can recall. However, September 2017 I had my first Mental Breakdown. It has taken me a little more than a year to realize I will live with this struggle the rest of my life. I have seen some petty dark days and weeks and now that I am in the light (for now) My passion is to let others know they are not alone in the darkness.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving at my parents house. I got to see my sister’s family and my brother. It was special as I don’t get to see the kids that often as life is life and they are getting to that age where they want their own life. One thing that was so special to me – the oldest who is about to turn 19 and in college gave me a hug right before he left. That was so special and I will treasure that moment for a long time. Thanks Drew 🙂
As I reflect this past week I am thankful for so many things. This time last year was so different. I was in the middle of my breakdown and also in the middle of Hades trying to figure out my medication formula. It was not a good time for me… As so many have experienced the same thing.
This year I am thankful for…
My husband who has stood by me in all this mess
My daughter who is the light of my life
My family who helps me stay strong
My church family who keeps me prayed up
My friends far and near that keep me sane (Jaime, Kerri,Charlotte – to name a few)
and last but never least the Love of GOD ! He is the only reason I am still here fighting this mind battle… so that I can show HIS LOVE TO OTHERS.
See, if it had not been for the Love of God, I truly feel as though I would not be here today sharing these moments with you. I was headed on another path that would have ended in darkness.
I also want to share something God is doing in my life. I have been wanting to share His Love and have been battling internally on how to do this. I have been in prayer for answers and the other night I subconsciously meditated on it all night within my dreams. I awoke that next morning and my prayer was answered. It has taken almost a year for this to be answered. The counseling team I chose to help me deal with my Hades has asked if I wanted to be apart of that team to help others. I am not sure where this will take me as this is new. For now, I know I will receive emails and dates for training. With this I am so thankful. I did not ask for this…. thought about it but never asked. God answered my prayer and answered it in a mighty way. The lady that runs this ministry I have high respect for and I know without a doubt it was God asking her to help me identify what I am to do in this present season.
So this season of Thanksgiving – I am thankful for so much… My life !
Last night I was speaking with a lady in my Restoring Hope / Broken from Struggles group. I had nothing planned to talk about. I prayed all the way there that God would show up and show out and take control of the meeting b/c I had no idea as to what to do.
During this time, God came to me and reminded me of the Angels He sent my way to help me conquer the spiritual battle that I was in the middle of. Being broken and struggling with my journey I was blind and never noticed that the Angels amongst me were sent by God to help me. However, God must have known I needed to be made aware of this and that it was His doings that He sent me HELP in such a dark dark time of my life.
So I want to thank the Angels that God sent me to battle such a war on my behalf. At the beginning of my depression journey I had no idea what was happening to myself. All I knew was that I went from such a strong woman to the weakest woman that could not get out of bed and cried all the time in what seemed to be an overnight transformation. I know now (13 months) later that was and is not the truth. In my healing, I guess I have some forgetfulness and or blindness. God re-revealed some things to me and one being the Angels He sent to ME… His beloved daughter. Yes, I am HIS !
Last night as this vision came to me I recall reading something similar in the Bible. I had to search for the scripture but I found it…
12 Then he said, “Don’t be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day you began to pray for understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your request has been heard in heaven. I have come in answer to your prayer.13 But for twenty-one days the spirit prince[c] of the kingdom of Persia blocked my way. Then Michael, one of the archangels,[d] came to help me, and I left him there with the spirit prince of the kingdom of Persia.[e]14 Now I am here to explain what will happen to your people in the future, for this vision concerns a time yet to come.”
Today, as I sit and reflect on my journey and this verse… I sit in AWE of God and just want to be still and praise Him. See, God does hear our prayers! They all have an answer… some are NO, so me are YES, some are WAIT, and some (messengers) are delayed by spiritual warfare and the answer is delayed.
I want to Thank the following…
~ Vaughn, My Pastor
~ Jeremy, My Associate Pastor
~ Sonya and Karen – My 2 Therapist
~ Amanda, My Prayer Warrior Friend
~ Family and Friends
Without these Angels, I know for a fact that the enemy would have destroyed me and that I would not be able to speak about my journey and praise God for what happened. They did not all come to me at once but at the right time in my dark walk. For that I am grateful ! All at once might have overwhelmed me and sent me deeper. In my heart I know God did it this way b/c he knew what I needed.
God still speaks today just as loud as He did in biblical times. We just need to sit still and listen. Last night was a revelation from my Father in Heaven…
ABBA. I praise YOU with all my heart and soul.
Reflection – In the times of battle we may not see the blueprint where everything comes together for a perfect planned outcome. WE must trust God and we must know that the outcome – the end results – WILL BE PERFECT FOR US !
Today has been a day to soak up the goodness and joy of Jesus Christ. I read both my devotions, my daily read for reading the bible in a year. Today, I spent time with Jesus. We talked, talked, and talked some more. Today, I just could not get enough of Jesus Time. Today I felt one with Him. Yes, today I have been very close to Jesus and the Word. Today, I have enjoyed the cool air, coffee and time with My Jesus.
The last two weeks I have not felt as close to Jesus as I have today. I have been questioning if God still speaks and how does one hear from God. My last blog was to that testament. I had so many questions and they felt all unanswered. I am here to say, we (I) serve a Mighty God ! So Mighty that He does answer our prayers. Sometimes just not as we planned. Two weeks ago I was in the prayer chapel at my church pleading my heart out to God… .basically demanding answers to my questions. I prayed and prayed and when I left – I felt flat. No big boom of answers came. Nothing. Just flat. Monday came and I had my psychiatry appointment to renew my medication. I knew my doctor had moved on to another location and that I would be seeing the CRNP. As I walked in she introduced herself and said that if I was not comfortable with her that I was welcomed to change. Kinda made me nervous but oh well. We began talking and for the life of me I cannot recall what started the conversation but she basically asked me what I was doing since my breakdown. I told her that I had started a group at church for those that struggle with mental illness and she said with conviction “Do not call it that” I was like okay… but it is my group not yours. I continued to tell her that I had been reading this and that book and trying to learn about all the different mental illness… Again, with conviction she said “stop it”. uh… excuse me ! This woman, with conviction, proceeded to give me a sermon… GOD USED HER TO ANSWER ALL MY QUESTIONS/DEMANDS. I sat there in awe of the moment. So basically, God (through her) said Lisa, quit worrying and trying to help the mind… let the doctors do that. All I want from you is for you to work on the Heart of others. That is it ! I had GodBumps… I could not believe this woman was answering every question that I asked of God in the quite prayer chapel of my church. This woman was no where near me and yet she answered my questions in a 10 minute sermon. So with that revelation and conviction I contacted my Pastors and told them what had occurred. They both agreed and liked the new direction of my group. Broken by Struggles – because every single person will struggle at times regardless of a mental illness diagnosis… right !
I tell you this because GOD DOES SPEAK still today to us that are willing to listen. I whole heartily believe this is the direction God is asking me to walk. My pastor even texted me Saturday morning with a book that he believes will be an excellent choice for my group… “Wounds that Heal” How many pastors do that ? God is so amazing.
Okay – back to today. Today, after spending time with Jesus and reading I got kinda sleepy…. So I laid my head down on the bible and wanted to just lay and soak up His Word. While I did that, I caught myself reciting scripture and just praising God Almighty for the entire time. What peace I felt when I lifted my head. I also lifted my head to…
1 I will praise the Lord at all times. I will constantly speak his praises. 2 I will boast only in the Lord; let all who are helpless take heart. 3 Come, let us tell of the Lord’s greatness; let us exalt his name together.
4 I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. 5 Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. 6 In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; he saved me from all my troubles. 7 For the angel of the Lord is a guard; he surrounds and defends all who fear him.
8 Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him! 9 Fear the Lord, you his godly people, for those who fear him will have all they need. 10 Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry, but those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing.
11 Come, my children, and listen to me, and I will teach you to fear the Lord. 12 Does anyone want to live a life that is long and prosperous? 13 Then keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies! 14 Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it.
15 The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right; his ears are open to their cries for help. 16 But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil; he will erase their memory from the earth. 17 The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. 18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
19 The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time. 20 For the Lord protects the bones of the righteous; not one of them is broken!
21 Calamity will surely destroy the wicked, and those who hate the righteous will be punished. 22 But the Lord will redeem those who serve him. No one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.
MY GOD LOVES – MY GOD IS ALIVE – MY GOD LOVES ME – MY GOD LOVES YOU !
When I started to come out of the mental breakdown I had back in Sept 2017; I finally went back to church In February. The pastor talked with me and did something very special for me. He said that the sermon series he was about to do would speak to me loudly and that he was going to challenge me to come for all 6 sermons in the series and then make a decision whether or not i stay home or come back to church. I agreed to come for JUST the 6 week sermon series of “Restored”. Looking back, God used my pastor in a huge way. That sermon series sparked my interested and I felt as though God was talking to me and only me. The theme of this series… What a mess this is !
During the next 6 weeks God spoke to me so loudly that was all I could hear. Out of this series I heard God say in 6 months you are to start a Mental Health Peer Support Group at your church. I spoke to the Pastor and He was all over it… said yes yes yes… we can do that. Talked with Associate Pastor and He agreed also. So the plan was to start in 6 months (October). Well small groups started up in September and I forgot that God told me 6 months. We started the group and well…. it has been a slow start. First night, two showed up and we had a great conversation. Then the following week no one showed up. Then the following week the church forgot to open the door and I accidental set the church alarm off. I was so devastated. My husband said have patience it will happen. He had more faith than I did at this moment. Fast forward and we are in week 6 now.
I have been making post on social media and felt like I had a good show of support. Some interest, some comments, lots of likes and loves. I really thought God was going to show up and show out ! Meeting #6 and no one showed up at all. So I spent the time in the prayer chapel talking with God. Asking if I was doing what was HIS WILL or was I doing my fleshly will ? I need to know because as much as I know God is calling me to do this… I am devastated and frustrated. I really thought more would come. I admit I have had one this night and 3 this night but no consistency. So, I asked God again… Is this your Will or my flesh trying to do something? I begged God to speak to me. Reminding Him that He used to speak to the prophets and that He guided them on their path. Why are you not guiding me on my path God. Okay, so yes, I had a conversation of begging and pleading with God last Thursday night while in the prayer chapel. I left and felt… Okay… Just Okay. Nothing note worthy happened except I spilled my soul to God.
So now I ask you – how does God speak to us in today’s time ??? How ?
I picked up one of the The Upper Room booklets on my way out that night and when I got home I read this…
Dear God, strengthen us in mind, body, and spirit to serve you and not grow weary in doing good. Amen
Then in another devotional a friend had mailed to me (SH) I read….
He opens doors and closes doors for my protection and for the purpose of HIS will, not mine.
When Peter’s eyes remained on Jesus, he was fine. But the moment Peter stopped looking at Jesus and started looking at what was going on around him, he began to sink.
When we listen to the enemy and begin looking around us instead of up at Jesus, we allow the world to overwhelm us.
So now I am super confused in my thinking. Has God closed the door for my protection or is it still open ?
Today’s devotional state… When we obey God’s call, we receive power from the Holy Spirit, who will do great things in our lives. What spiritual gifts can I share with the world ?
In the devotionals there is scripture for deeper thought…
Psalm 37:23 – The steps of the godly are directed by the Lord. He delights in every detail of their lives. (footnotes: God watches over and makes firm every step that person takes. If you would like to have God direct your way, then seek His advice before you step out)
Proverbs 3:5-8 – Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and he will direct your path. Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the Lord and turn your back on evil. Then you will gain renewed health and vitality. (footnotes: …Bring your decisions to God in prayer; use the Bible as your guide; and then follow God’s leading. He will direct your path by guiding and protecting.)
Romans 12:2 – Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is. (footnotes: God has good, pleasing and perfect plans for his children. He wants to transform and renew our minds. Let God change the way you think)
I need some spiritual help… Is this the way we hear from God in today’s time? Does He lead us to scripture that confirms or denies ? If so, I am confused a tad bit… How do I know if this new path is HIS WILL or mine? I will say several have come to me and said that this was great starting a group like this and to keep focus and not give up. Some have wanted to come – just don’t have the energy – Some have said what a great thing you are doing. I feel so passionate about mental illness that I cannot stop thinking, reading, studying about it. I do know scripture says God will not give you the desires of the heart if He does not plan on honoring them… right ? Psalm 37:4Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you yourheart’s desires.
So my friends, what is your interpretation of the above…. Is God speaking to me and if so, what is He saying to me ? Walk with me and share your insight please.
Today is my sister and her husband’s anniversary. Today is my childhood friends birthday. Today is the day Hurricane Michael made landfall as a cat-4 with sustained winds at 155 mph. Lots of good and bad for today.
Today is also World Mental Health Day… Today is October 10. 2018.
Tropical storm was not meant to become a major catastrophic Cat4 Hurricane. Today is Wednesday and up until yesterday or the day before it was only a depression maybe a tropical storm at the most. However, the storm quickly grew into one of the worst hurricanes to hit the Panama City, FL area of the panhandle. People decided to stay put and hunker down instead of taking refuge to higher ground.
Does this sound familiar ? Hunker down and do not take the higher ground for safety. (side note: about to pop the living stew out of my 7 yr old as she is so whiny right now) Okay back to focusing on this…I think as she just slammed her door) Okay… Abba, help me focus again.
Hunker down or head to higher ground…. that is the question ! Isn’t it ? When life throws us struggles do we let them stay a tropical depression to fizzle out or do we allow them to become a Cat 4 ? Hunkering down would be equivalent to staying in bed all day, entertaining the demonic racing thoughts and so on… Right? Don’t get me wrong, I completely believe in medicine to control this – however, that only medicates the body and symptoms of the mental illness. Agree so far ? What we have to do is go to higher ground for safety. Right? Who or what is higher ground for you ? For me, higher ground would be God. Getting closer to God and realizing that HE will be our STRENGTH to shut down the tropical depression before it becomes a major storm. Agree so far ? So how do we get to that higher ground ?
Read the Word of God – aka Bible
Be amongst faith growing members – other Christians
Going to Church and doing our best to get over the isolation we dug
Having prayer partners – that you trust to be honest with your needs
Looking to God instead of the world for our answers
Today is Mental Health Day – find you a sponsor that understands and has found the path out of the destructive world of mental illness (for the most part) and ask them to be your prayer partner… If you need me to be that person then send me an email… LmKeith8@aol.com
Let’s stop these struggles from turning into a Cat 4/5 Hurricane with catastrophic circumstances and consequences.
1 Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace[a] with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us.2 Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.
3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.
What does the above say to you? While I was talking to a young lady about depression and anxiety and other ailments of mental illness the next sentence came with a loud BOOM. Have you ever considered your illness a blessing instead of a curse ? While we were talking and I was hearing her describe what she wanted to do once she became an adult gave me chills. There is no way she could do what she wanted to do if she has not lived in the world of mental illness. NO way ! To administer love, empathy, kindness to one that is like-minded one must know what they are talking about. Right? Would you want someone to talk to you if they had no personal knowledge of what you are walking through ? I would not. We may not walk the same exact path but we are on the same trail… Right ? For my depression and anxiety are not triggered like yours are. However; we are both struggling.
Honestly, I still struggle… I am struggling as I write this. However, I am doing my best to see the blessing in this mess called mental illness. I firmly believe what the above scripture states… Endurance develops character and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. I lost sight of my Creator The Lord Almighty… God had had enough of that with me and made a decision. His decision to allow me to suffer for a while has brought me back to Him 100%. So is that a blessing or a curse ? I say BLESSING ! Spiritually I am so much more content; However, my flesh still struggles. The main difference now is that I turn to God for rest and reassurance. I turn to my friends that I know will pray for me. It might take me a minute to get to that point but now it is not a 6 month ordeal. Took me 6 months to realize what was going on. I needed God and a closer relationship with him. It took time…was not over night success! I had to calm the demons in my head and I chose to do that by medicine. Once I medially got healed I was able to focus my energy on my spiritual relationship. I thank God everyday that He created people that are so much smarter than I am that was able to invent medicine to heal the body. Thank you God for doing that! I probably would have been lost forever if it were not for that Creation.
What are your thoughts – Blessing or a Curse ?
Can you fathom the Blessing today of the path you are on? Share your thoughts of the path you are on.
Why is it when I think of God all day and thank Him for all he has done that I end up with negative thoughts from the demonic one ? Come on… Taking a hot bath and relaxing and then images of me in the tub with slit wrist.. WHY ? I do not understand this at all ! I am the only one here right now so I shouted “Get the heck out of my head satan” “I do NOT belong to you – I am the daughter of the Most High – God – My Creator – My Everything so leave me the Hades alone !” I so despise my mind going that way ! I so wish I could control my mind at all times and that these freaking insane moments would leave me alone.
Reality – I know when you do more and more for our Abba that the demonic one comes even stronger at you. I do my best to resist but he puts a damper on my parade for a bit. I know that gives him more ammo but it WONT STOP !
Am I weak ? I don’t think I am… so that means I must be doing some good for my Abba and that is a threat to the demonic one. He really needs to re-read the bible so that he can acknowledge the outcome he will receive. For me, I am the Daughter of the Most High and when my time does come – I will be in Heaven experiencing something beyond human understanding.
Mental Illness is so real and such a burden. For the most part I see it as a curse and then clarity happens and I see the silver lining which is a blessing from Abba. For we go through things so that we receive comfort from Abba and then able to show the same comfort to others that are walking the same path.
Abba – I thank you for walking this path with me and teaching me how to comfort others. I ask in your Son’s Name that you continue this walk and also give me more strength to weakening the effect the demonic one is trying to do. Abba, I love you !
I am new at this thing called blogging – So be gentle for my first time.
I has been a year and one month since I had my mental breakdown. I can see now what led to my breakdown and now I know why. The last 4 years has been very trying for me and event after event led to me having a come apart. I felt as though I was going insane. My mind went dark and nothing I did could stop the roller-coaster I was about to ride. This was the worst season of my life. So I thought. Today, I see it differently. Today I consider my HADES a blessing. Yes, that is correct… I see it as a Huge Blessing in my life. For if I had not gone through the Hades I would not know the darkness and would not be able to comfort others that have and are living in it.
Welcome to my blog where I am going to share my story and daily/weekly stories. I have come to realize that when i write I HEAL.